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"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there." - Rumi
The Destructive Nature of the Need to Be Right
The deep desire to ‘be right’ is common, but it can have devastating effects on relationships - particularly marriages. The need to be right stems from a desire to assert control, maintain a sense of superiority, avoid vulnerability, and often to avoid the internal discomfort of looking at oneself honestly. However, between spouses, this compulsion can create distance, resentment, disengagement and emotional shutdown.
how the Need to Be Right Harms Relationships
1. It Prevents Closeness and Intimacy
A relationship thrives on mutual understanding, compromise, respect, empathy and cherishing the other. When one or both partners prioritize ‘being right’ over being connected, intimacy suffers. Instead of fostering understanding, disagreements become battles that leave both parties feeling unheard and invalidated.
2. It Fosters Resentment
If one person constantly insists on being right, the other begins to feel belittled, dismissed, disrespected and unimportant. Over time, this builds resentment, which erodes the foundation of trust and affection that keeps relationships strong. Instead of feeling like a team, the couple becomes adversaries, fighting for dominance rather than happiness.
3. It Damages Communication
Healthy communication requires active listening, validating and empathy. When one partner is fixated on proving they are right, they are not truly listening. They are merely waiting for their turn to argue their point. This leads to miscommunication, frustration, and an inability to resolve conflicts in a healthy way.
The Impact on Men in Marriage
Many men in marriage find themselves struggling with a spouse who has an overwhelming need to be right. This can be incredibly challenging and can manifest in different ways:
1. Emotional Shutdown
Men living with a spouse who insists on being right may eventually disconnect and shut down. If they feel that their thoughts, opinions, and perspectives are consistently dismissed or disrespected, they may withdraw altogether, avoiding conflict rather than engaging in repetitive, unwinnable debates.
2. Constant Arguments
On the other hand, some men react to the need to be right by doubling down and arguing. If they feel disrespected or unheard, they may push back, leading to constant tension and discord in the marriage.
3. Loss of Self-Worth
Over time, when a man feels ‘wrong’, he may begin to question his own judgment and worth in the relationship. Over time, this can erode self-confidence and create emotional distance between partners.
4. Feeling Disrespected and Its Effects on Marriage
Respect is a cornerstone of a healthy marriage, and when a man consistently feels disrespected, it is often the beginning of the end. Disrespect communicates a lack of value, it undermines, and he will eventually disconnect from his spouse. This can lead to:
Emotional withdrawal and disengagement.
Increased frustration and resentment.
A decline in affection and intimacy.
A desire to seek validation elsewhere.
how the Need to Be Right can Lead to Divorce
The need to be right can be a major factor in the breakdown of a marriage. Over time, a marriage plagued by constant arguments, emotional distance, and resentment will likely become unsustainable by:
Eroding Emotional Connection: If one partner constantly dismisses the other's thoughts and feelings, emotional closeness disappears.
A Lack of Respect: A marriage without mutual respect often deteriorates quickly.
Escalating Conflict: Small disagreements turn into major fights, and the marriage feels like a battleground.
Eventual Emotional Exhaustion: One or both partners may eventually reach a breaking point where staying in the relationship feels unbearable.
Men who experience consistent disrespect in their marriages often struggle to stay engaged in the relationship. When a man feels unheard and his thoughts devalued for long enough, he may withdraw entirely, both physically and emotionally, leading to a breakdown in the marriage.
Why do we Need to ‘Be Right’?
Understanding the psychological and emotional reasons behind the need to be right can help in navigating these conflicts more wisely:
Ego and Self-Worth: For many, being right equates to being competent, intelligent, or valuable. Admitting they're wrong feels like a threat to their self-worth.
Fear of Vulnerability: Acknowledging another perspective can feel like admitting weakness or losing control, which some people find deeply uncomfortable. ‘Being wrong’ may also open the mind up to past mistakes and poor judgment and a person may prefer to keep that door shut.
Learned Behavior: Some people grow up in environments where being right was essential for survival, validation, or even love, and it became deeply ingrained habit.
Control Issues: Insisting on being right often comes from a need to control the situation, ensuring things unfold in a predictable way that feels safe or keeps order.
Does It Really Matter Who's Right?
An important question to ask in any conflict is: Does it really matter who's right? In most cases, the pursuit of correctness in an argument is far less important than the health of the relationship itself.
Many arguments in relationships are subjective, based on perceptions and perspectives rather than facts. By focusing on understanding rather than winning, couples can avoid unnecessary conflicts and cultivate deeper bonds.
The Ego’s need to Be Right
The need to be right is deeply connected to the ego. The ego thrives on validation and dominance, seeking reassurance that it exists, is competent, knowledgeable, and in control. When threatened, the ego’s autonomy or existence itself may be subject to doubt, and it reacts either defensively by doubling down on being right rather than seeking harmony, or through attack to preserve its autonomy.
True emotional maturity comes from recognizing when the ego is engaged and choosing connection over control. Letting go of the need to be right does not mean admitting weakness—it means prioritizing respect, love, and emotional well-being over a fleeting sense of victory.
You Can Be Right...Or You Can Be Happy
One of the truths in relationships is that you often have to choose between being right and being happy. If proving a point comes at the expense of your partner’s self-worth, feelings and the health of your marriage, is it really worth it?
Letting go of the need to be right fosters:
Harmony: Fewer arguments and a more harmonious, peaceful home environment.
Deeper connection: When both partners feel heard and valued, intimacy grows.
Mutual respect: Prioritizing understanding over winning creates an environment of mutual respect and love.
How to Deal with Someone Needs to Be Right
1. Stay Calm and Don’t Engage in Power Struggles
Arguing with someone who is fixated on being right only fuels the conflict. Instead, stay calm and avoid feeding the situation.
2. Use Empathy and Active Listening
Try to understand why they feel so strongly about their position, or are so entrenched in a particular view. Validate their thoughts and feelings without necessarily agreeing with them.
3. Ask Questions Instead of Arguing
Instead of pushing your own point, ask open-ended questions to encourage self-reflection and to seek understanding.
4. Pick Your Battles
Not every disagreement needs to be won. Ask yourself if the issue at hand is truly important or if it’s better to let it go for the sake of longer term happiness.
…Or I Can Be Happy
The need to be right is a common struggle in relationships, but it doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker. By prioritizing understanding, respect, empathy, and emotional connection over the need to win arguments, couples can build stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships.
In the end, love isn't about proving who’s right - it's about building a harmonious life together where both partners win. Next time you find yourself in a disagreement, ask yourself: Would I rather be right, or would I rather be happy?
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